Last night I made some BLTs for dinner. Actually, I guess they were just BTs because I had no lettuce. They were sooooo good, but scarfed down in under two minutes. We were hungry. Although I like ok love eating bacon, I really hate cooking it. Why? Because cooking bacon is complicated. Just look at all these steps.
1. You must practically crawl under the sink to reach the big skillet. You will find several small skillets that aren’t good for anything right in front, and numerous vases, but the only useful big skillet will be wayyyy in back.
2. You must bang your head on the sink while backing out. This must happen every time you cook bacon.
3. Put the pan on the stove and set burner to medium. Well, that part isn’t so bad.
4. Search for bacon in fridge. Curse loudly and demand to know WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO ALL THE BACON? Stomp your feet. Have someone come and point out to you that for some unknown reason, you stuck the bacon in the veggie crisper.
5. Cut open bacon package with kitchen scissors. Note that you will actually have to find kitchen scissors before this can occur.
6. Reach in the package and pull out that big slimy feeling hunk of fat and meat. Shudder. Cut contents in half with a knife (it has to be a knife that cannot go into the dishwasher, to insure maximum inconvenience in cleanup ). You must cut in half or the strips will be too long to fit on the piece of bread, and hard to turn.
7. Peel apart all the slimy feeling strips and put them into the skillet. Note that only half the strips fit in your skillet.
8. Cook them until it looks like somebody spit all over them.
9. Stand 10 feet away from pan and attempt to turn bacon. You must stand 10 feet away or you will get multiple third degree burns on your sensitive arm backs.
10. Feel brave and turn that one stubborn piece at the back of the skillet. Make sure you hold your whole arm directly over the skillet.
11. Because you are a dumbass and did step 10, you are rewarded with scalding hot grease landing on your sensitive arm backs.
12. Curse. Loudly. Hunt for rum in cabinets.
13. Make sure the other side looks like someone spit all over it. Take it out of the pan and put it on a plate. Realize that you did an awful lot of work for a little bacon.
14. Stand 50 yards away and toss bacon into hot greasy pan. Make sure you splash hot bacon grease all over your stove.
15. Repeat steps 7-13, except you have already located said rum and made a noticeable dent in the bottle.
16. Realize that in less than 10 minutes you have eaten all the bacon.
17. Clean up. HAHAHAHAHAH yeah right.
18. Come downstairs in the morning to a bacon smellin kitchen and a pan full of grease
19. Because all the rum is gone, hunt for the bottle of jack (daniel’s that is) and mutter about how “it’s 5:00 some-damn-where”