Burning The Souffle

"A Woman Happily In Love, She Burns The Souffle"

No, I would not like to buy one of your knives. August 11, 2008

Filed under: crap people buy,Uncategorized — Rachel @ 4:15 pm
Tags: ,

One of my favorite bloggers, BeAGoodMom (www.beagoodmom.com) wrote about door-to-door magazine salespersons, and how annoying they can be. This is a subject very near and dear to my heart, because my front porch apparently has something that attracts these people like flies.

They come from near and far, touting knives that can cut through pennies ( why I would ever need to cut a penny is beyond me), magazine subscriptions that will help them pay for college ( uh, I AM in college, and I got all my scholarships by FILLING OUT PAPERWORK FROM THE SCHOOL, not selling subscriptions of the Oprah magazine), invitations to their churches ( a nice thought, but I am very happy with my Episcopal church, and feel no need to change), and as much as I would like to eat your buckets and buckets of cookie dough, I really don’t need it (I might be able to be talked into this one, if it was a neighborhood kid I actually knew, not just a random person), and your wrapping paper is cute, but I already have lots from the dollar tree.

Please don’t look so disapproving when you catch me sitting outside at 7:00 a.m. on a Saturday morning in my favorite Victoria’s Secret pj’s, my porch is set back away from the street, and my dog does have to be let out to pee once in awhile. I am not really prepared for visitors after a long night out, which explains my smeared eye make up and bed hair; and the fact that I’ve only had about 3 hours of sleep should explain the blank look on my face when you are trying to tell me all of the ways my life will improve if I buy one of your $300 sets of knives.

The funniest is when my beloved dog starts barking and growling at these strangers, and they ask me to “Call off my dog” or “Would you mind putting her in the house?” No, I will not, and Yes, I do mind putting her inside, considering I have never before seen you in my life and haven’t yet been able to check the news to see if any convicts are on the loose. Plus, let’s not forget the fact that this is MY (and my dog’s) yard, and YOU are the guest in it, so please don’t boss me around. She is a very nice and sweet dog, but she also loves me very very very much and doesn’t want you to hurt me, so she turns into my protector with very scary teeth.

As BeAGoodMom said, please don’t get nasty with me when I turn you down. Sure, your knives are nice, but I have no use for them, so don’t get all surly with me when I say “Thanks, but no thanks.” And I am sure that your encyclopedias are very handy, but I can find (mostly) everything on the internet, so don’t stalk off when I tell you I don’t need them. And we already get lots of magazines (really), so don’t roll your eyes when I tell you this. Would you like for me to go get our overflowing magazine basket? No? Then keep your eyes pointed straight ahead.

And for the love of pete, if you ring my doorbell and I don’t answer, PLEASE just go away instead of trying to look in the windows by the door and banging on the storm door. This makes me want to call the police, not answer the door.

So please people, don’t bug me when I’m trying to relax on the porch. Why don’t you go bother I mean, call on people you know instead? Or send around fliers with your contact info and product info on them, and then those interested can get back with you?

Shes really yawning here, she just looks scary.

She's really yawning here, she just looks scary.

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