I’ve been thinking about my former best friend a lot lately. I haven’t talked to him face to face in nearly two years, and only briefly by email several months ago. We had a very will-and-grace/joey-and-rachel/jack-and-janet /pretty much any stereotypical male-female type of friendship, until the whole thing ended fairly bitterly at the beginning of last year. Well, the old saying is true, time really does heal all wounds, and lo and behold, sometimes I would really like to talk to my old friend. (It also helps that the last time he contacted me was to apologize.)
I won’t go into all the details here, because it is a long, drawn out complicated story, and honestly, enough time has gone by that I really can’t even remember some of the details of everything that happened; but really, the important thing for those reading this to know is that the friendship ended, and that I can honestly say that it was not my fault. And I just want to mention the fact that when people are around what I call “toxic people” they often do and say things that they would never do otherwise, even though that still does not make it ok.
The last time this friend contacted me, I wrote back and was polite, but it really wasn’t anything overly friendly on my part. The main reason he had contacted me was to apologize and to tell me that he had ditched the “toxic person”. I appreciated the apology, and it really did end a lot of the somewhat bitter feelings I still harbored.
I guess my point is, damnit, sometimes I just want to tell my old friend something. I have new friends now, and a new best friend, but sometimes you just want to laugh about something with someone that you spent so much time with when you were so young and silly. Sometimes I will think of some of the crazy stunts we pulled and just laugh out loud to myself. My teenage years were sort of shaky, until I met D, who showed me that no, I wasn’t just being a good friend, I was letting myself turn into a doormat. And now….well, nobody would ever think of calling me anyone’s doormat. I am a wholly different person now than when I was friends with this person. And I am pretty sure that they are too.
And, there is a part of me that just wants to say “See? I am doing great. I have a great life. I am happily with the person that I will spend the rest of my life with, and I’m doing fabulous in school, and I am HAPPY.” I was sort of going through a rough patch when I was friends with this person, but I am over it! Over it! Everyday I feel like that guy in “It’s A Wonderful Life” when he’s just so happy to be alive and he’s running through the streets. I want to do that everyday. I am cheerful. I am bubbly. I am not moody (well, only moody every 28 days instead of 24/7), I am not sad, I am not so damned complicated and needy. I am just plain happy. Yes, I have days where I am sad. But it’s not the overwhelming sadness of depression. I can argue about something without my voice going into that register that can break glass. I grew up. I got older and wiser. I evened out.
Phew. I feel better. I know that this is sort of long and rambling, and may not make the most sense (blame it on the headache medicine I took immediately before writing this). So, if you made it this far, thanks for reading and listening. Who needs a shrink when you have the internet?