Burning The Souffle

"A Woman Happily In Love, She Burns The Souffle"

Well, I Don’t Have Any Children…. December 31, 2008

Filed under: the internets is cheaper than therapy — Rachel @ 11:39 pm

As you all know, I do not have any children.  At this point in my life, children sort of seem like  zoo animals.  Fun to watch and maybe even get to play with for awhile, but mainly, a relief that I am not saddled with that sort of responsibility (yet). Obviously, from what I am studying in college, I enjoy children very much, but those are other people’s children, not my own.  I get the fun of hearing them say funny/endearing (heavy on the funny) things and then sending them out the door at the end of the day.

That all being said, I need SOMEONE to project that mothering instinct onto.

So I have Mayzie-Jane.

I have more pictures of that 7 year old mutt on my phone than I do of any people. Ditto for the digital camera.  I am not interested in having a stranger give me a pedicure ( hate having my feet touched, can paint my nails and buff my feet just as well as anyone else can, being that those are skills that do not require you to know math).  So, while I may not pay to have a pedicure for myself, OF COURSE I will pay for Mayzie-Jane to have one.  Actually, I do own a pair of dog nail clippers, but before I even touched them to her nails, she started yelping, she must have instinctively known how grossly inadequate I would be at the whole process.

So yesterday, I sent Miss Mayzie off to the groomers for a bath and pedicure. This entails leaving her there for a few hours…only a few short hours.

Well, I got into the car and felt like a complete sack of shit, seeing the whole thing from her point of view.  Imagine, your favorite person in the whole world asks you if you want to go for a ride in the car, which for some reason is one of your all time favorite activities…they take you, playing music on the stereo, chatting with you…and then they pull up somewhere…somewhere that you already know is most decidedly a real pain in the ass to be.  They pull you in the door, and then they LEAVE you there, to have your two LEAST favorite things done to you.

So I walked around the house for the rest of the day, sighing, and pacing nervously. Honestly.  You would have thought I’d sent my nearest and dearest to go have teeth pulled without an anesthetic, not sent my dog to the groomer’s to have a bath and pedicure.

All was forgiven though, when I went to pick her up. She looked almost pleased with herself, and so cute with a little green bandanna tied around her neck. (A bandanna which I am sure she wishes she had had the forethought to destroy, because now I’m making her wear it constantly.)

Anyway, I can already tell I’m going to be horrid when I have children and have to leave them with a sitter or something.


What the F*ck Subconscious?

Filed under: Uncategorized — Rachel @ 11:16 pm

Seriously, these strange vivid dreams are getting a bit tiring.

Last night, I had not one, but TWO creepy dreams about being stalked by this weird guy that I knew when I was younger.   I woke up in a sweat (twice) panicking, until I realized that phew, they were just dreams.

Then I dreamed that I was worried about what to pack for a cruise to the Bahamas.  Then the cruise got cancelled. But it was ok, because I got to go to Georgia instead.

Seriously, subconcious, Georgia?

I mean, I love Georgia and everything, but really, it’s the same as Tennessee, except a few more degrees to the South. I want to go somewhere where people will stare at me funny because my voice sounds like Dolly Parton/Scarlett O’Hara  in slow-mo.  Really.

I don’t know, maybe I’m huffing paint or snorting massive amounts of crack while sleeping or something.

On that note, Happy New Year everyone!


Well, That Certainly WAS A Strange One December 29, 2008

Filed under: the internets is cheaper than therapy,well shit — Rachel @ 1:21 pm

Ugh, more strange dreams lately.
I’ve no idea how to prevent these weird, weird dreams, but mostly they don’t bother me, except when they leave me with some weird overhanging feeling the next day, sort of like a bad taste in my mouth, except all over.

Last night’s dream was very strange indeed.

I dreamed that I had agreed to be a surrogate mother for a couple that I know that lost a child awhile back.  I had the baby, and at first I was fine with handing it over, but then for some reason, I had to stay with the baby (and the couple) for some extended period of time, and I did not want to give the baby up.  Actually, I ended up taking the baby AWAY from them, because apparently I had never signed any rights away after all. (*As I remember, (this was a very detailed dream) the baby was genetically related to me, but not to them.)

Is that weird or WHAT?

First of all, let me just say that I have nothing but tremendous respect for women that are surrogate mothers. They give people the most precious gift imaginable, with little real  respect from the general public.  That being said, I could not do it. I am not made of material strong enough to hand over a baby that grew in my body for nine months, I’m just not.  I could  donate blood, or plasma, possibly even eggs, but not a baby that had lived inside me for so long.   I’ve never been pregnant nor given birth, so I don’t know exactly what I would feel, but judging by that dream, it would not be pleasant. I woke up with a sense of relief, but also guilt, because I had taken away something from them. Which is ludicrous  because it was JUST A DREAM.

I think I need to lay off reading before bed  or something, although last night I was reading “Dry” by Augusten Burroughs, which is about alcholism and not about surrogate pregnancy, the last time that I checked.


Hope You’re Having A Red Hot Christmas… December 25, 2008

Filed under: cooking,life is flippin suh-weet — Rachel @ 2:54 pm

I totally am!
This Christmas has really and truly been wonderful, with only a slight hitch of some paper in the oven catching fire.
No, we weren’t trying to cook paper, don’t you worry about that, apparently some mail had gotten stuck to the bottom of a pan earlier. We were heating some cinnamon rolls and the oven just must not have gotten hot enough for the paper to burn. My mom was preheating the oven for sausage and cheese toast (yummmm) when my sister started freaking out. “Mom, mom! The oven is on fire!”
Sure enough it was.
The fire extinguished itself when the oven was turned off, but sadly, the smell lingers.
All of the windows are open.
At least it’s nice outside!
Anyway, I’m super thankful we were all standing around in the kitchen talking, and no one was hurt, and the only damage done was a stinky smell!
Merry Christmas!


Sandy Claws Is Comin To Town December 23, 2008

I have a confession to make, dear readers.

I have never sat on Santa’s lap.  Ever. Not even a little. (That I can remember anyway…must check with Mom for confirmation.)


Well….Old St. Nick scared the shit out of me.

(Go ahead, you can laugh.)

Now, I wasn’t scared of the “real” Santa Claus, I was scared of his mall bound comrades.

Oh come on, admit it, it’s a little weird…you tell your kids 364 days a year not to even TALK to strangers, and then one day….one day you ask them to SIT  on some old dude in a fake beard and red suit so that you can take a picture of it. Bizzare.

Anyway, I remember one time when I was little, my aunt took me to the mall with her two kids, who were about 10 and 7 years older than me, and were always really great to me. I was the oldest kid, so I don’t know what it’s like to have older siblings, but these were the closest approximation to a big sister and big brother that I had.

Picture it-Circa 1991 (or maybe 1990) Young Rachel is taken along on a Christmas shopping outing with her lovely aunt and cousins. Everything is going along smoothly, the older cousins are allowed to take Young Rachel around the mall by themselves, making all involved feel very grown-up indeed.

Girl-Cousin (10 years older than me): “Look Rachel! It’s Santa Claus! He is going to come see you and bring you some toys! Isn’t that nice?”

Young Rachel: “My, that IS nice. I wonder what he will bring me?”

Boy-Cousin (7 years older than me): “Lots of things! You were a very good girl this year, so I bet that he brings you everything you ask for!”

Young Rachel: “Yay!”

Girl-Cousin: “You know, if you sit on Santa’s lap, you can tell him what you want for Christmas.”

Boy-Cousin: “Look Rachel! There is Santa now!”

(Sitting on a throne in the middle of the mall, sits a fat old man in a red suit and long beard. A throng of children is lined up in front of him, practically swooning. It goes without being said that this is utterly terrifying.)

Girl-Cousin, gently pulling Rachel toward teeming mass of children: “Come on Rachel! Let’s go see Santa! It will be so fun! ”

Young Rachel: “NO.”

Boy-Cousin: “Oh, come on, please? It will be so fun for you to talk to Santa!”

Young Rachel: “NoooOOOOOoooOOOOOooooOOOOOO!!!!!!!”

Girl-Cousin, still pulling Rachel toward horde of children: “Well let’s just stand in the line to see him, you will change your mind when you see how fun it is!”


The cousins really don’t care to have to manage a full scale meltdown in the middle of the mall, so I am led away from old Sandy Claws, never to return. I heartily apologize to my dear cousins, who only wanted the fun of taking their cute little blond terror of a cousin to see dear old Santa. Cousins, if you want, you can take me to sit on Santa’s lap this year.  Although, at somewhere around 150 lbs, I imagine that it might put a strain on his lap.

Truthfully, I have no idea why I reacted this way. I wasn’t shy at all. I think I just got stage fright. And I was still an only child at this point, so as you can imagine, I was fairly used to getting my way.

So I’ve shared with you my deep dark Santa confession. Don’t get me wrong, I love and still halfway believe in north pole Santa, but am still leery  of his mall pals.

For a special-day-before-Christmas Eve-treat, I share with you one of my most beloved Santa songs of all time. It really warms my heart.

Merry Christmas!


“You’ll Shoot Your Eye Out!”

Filed under: life is flippin suh-weet — Rachel @ 1:35 am

Because I couldn’t think of a title for this post, I am treating you to the best line from one of my favorite Christmas movies, “A Christmas Story”.  If you haven’t seen it, you should probably go to the store right now and buy it. Now. It contains lamps shaped like sexy legs, guns that pose a threat of shooting eyes out, tongues stuck to icy things, and mouths being washed out with soap. Nothing screams “CHRISTMAS!” like swears and guns, so please, buy it and watch it several times this Christmas.

Now back to our regularly scheduled post…..

I am so, so, so, so, excited about Christmas.  We have a new baby in the family this year to watch open gifts, much of my extended family is coming in to celebrate with us, and best of all, I will get to spend Christmas with the ones I love. What could be better?

It’s not about the presents or food, it’s enough just to spend time with the people closest to us, a chance to share what’s new in our lives, and a chance to start traditions with new family members.  I’m like a big kid most of the time (ok, all of the time) but at Christmas, it really shows.  I love seeing all the presents piled under the tree, the treats lined up on the kitchen counter, the sights of all the houses decorated with lights, the smiles on everyone’s faces. Christmas is the one time of the year when the good that’s in everyone really shows.  Sure, there is evil in the world, but isn’t it nice that for a few days, everyone can see that there is something greater in the world?  Oh sure, even at this time of the year, the worst can come out in people, but Christmas seems to show us the best  in everyone. Whether it’s the cashiers smiling and telling you to have a merry Christmas or the bell ringers blessing you when you drop some spare change in their buckets, we can see the good in people. Think about it-what other time of the year do you wish complete strangers to have a wonderful day? How many times of a year do you say “God Bless You” to someone you don’t even know?

I hope each one of you has a wonderful Christmas, spent with family and friends.

And to my Jewish friends, I wish you a wonderful Hanukkah, spent with all your loved ones.  (Don’t eat too many latkes!!!!!) (Oh, and P.S.-I hope your first night of Hanukkah was terrific!)


That’s Tennessee Weather For You… December 20, 2008

Filed under: nerdiness — Rachel @ 9:15 pm

Yesterday- it got up into the high sixties here. Actually, on my thermometer at home, it read 73 degrees. That thermometer was slightly in the sun though. Definitely warm enough for short sleeves, and had it been spring, I probably would have worn capris and sandals or something. A very nice day, temperature wise.
Today- Getting colder and it started raining. Oh yes, we also had a thunderstorm, complete with lightning. I ask you, where else do you have THUNDERSTORMS in December? Five days before Christmas!
Tonight-Snow Flurries (Snow Showers?) Are predicted. I can believe it. I really hope that the roads don’t get all icy from the rain freezing.
Tomorrow- The high is supposed to be in the 30s, the low in the single digits or maybe teens. Maybe some snow.
So basically, we went from short sleeve weather to ice and snow in less than two days time.