Burning The Souffle

"A Woman Happily In Love, She Burns The Souffle"

My Public Service Announcement January 3, 2009

Filed under: good news,unsolicited advice,well shit — Rachel @ 2:22 am

Not only is this a handy public service announcement, but also a rant! How fun for you, friends inside the computer!

So, I’m nosing around on um….a popular “social networking” site, looking at friends pictures…being a nosy bitch interested friend.  I noticed a common theme- pictures of people that are really, really drunk.  Not only is this gauche, it can also be an employment hazard! Really people, we don’t need to see pictures of you holding a red plastic cup ( can you put ANYTHING other than alcohol in red plastic cups?) captioned “wAsTED!”

So apparently, you people need rules for alcohol consumption, so here you go:

1. Getting tipsy is ok. Getting really, really, really, drunk is NOT ok. That’s called alcoholism.   (By really, really, really, drunk, I mean so drunk that you either severely  embarass yourself  or someone else, you damage something, or are forced to depend on someone else to tend to your basic needs (i.e. getting into bed, using the bathroom, etc, etc.) ) Getting tipsy means that maybe you might tell the story about how you caught your hair in a blow-dryer. Twice. In the same day. (Not that I know any such stories, no sirree!)

2. For the love of  everything holy, we do not need to see pictures of it! Really! I mean, I’m so happy for you that you just love that wild-eyed feral look that you have, but really, you don’t have to share it with me. I don’t need to see shots of your beer gutted self lying drunk on the beach. Don’t need to see you dancing on someone’s coffee table. Don’t need to see you proudly posing with all your empties.  Don’t need to see your collection of liquor bottles.

3. Don’t save the tops of beer bottles and wine coolers. This is not only tacky, but also strange.  What, may I ask, are you planning on doing with these? Decoupaging your end tables with them? Hot gluing them into sculptures? Really, we do not need to see evidence of your fondness for cheap malt liquor.

4.  Don’t decorate your place with your empties. I  have personally seen people line them up on top of their kitchen cabinets. Ya know, for decoration? Blecch! It’s one thing to maybe have a few pretty bottles of wine just laying around, but entirely another to have an empty 40 oz bottle of smirnoff’s green apple.  It doesn’t scream “chic and sophistocated” it screams “cheap and too lazy to haul these babies down to the recycling bin”.

5.  Don’t force alcohol on someone.  They may not drink for personal reasons, or maybe they have very specific tastes and do not care to finish the cranberry hard lemonade that no one else likes. Either way, don’t push the issue. Nothing worse than a pushy drunk.

6. Eat something. Anything. A liquid lunch is just not good for you. Or anyone around you.

7. If you happen to do something uncouth while under the influence, apologize. Don’t pretend that you don’t remember. (Even if you don’t remember, you should still apologize.) A bouquet of fresh flowers and a self-deprecating card work wonders.   Oh, and if you think you behaved badly, you probably did, so you should check your outgoing texts for evidence of any poor behavior.

8. Drunken texts…..ok, now you really don’t have to be all that inebriated to screw up here. Please check your outgoing texts  after a good night’s sleep and a liter of water. If you find any evidence of wrong doing, see rule 7, if you find puzzling or poorly spelled texts ( incoming text: “hey, what r u up to?” outgoing text: “fgsfds”) , you can just ignore them, or fess up to your altered state of mind. It depends on the friend. And always, always, always double check who you are sending the intoxicated sms to. It’s one thing to send “omg so drank plz come hlp” to your best friend, and  a different thing entirely to send it to your grandmother, or your boss, or your grandmother who happens to also be your boss.

9. If you happen to over-imbibe,  and end up spending half the night praying to the porcelain god,  it’s best to just sleep in the bathroom. It’s easier to clean puke off of tile than off of the wall beside the bed that you projectile vomited onto because you were too drunk to aim for the trash can on the floor by the bed.  It’s nice if someone is nice enough to hold your hair back for you, but certainly not expected of them. Buy a pack of ponytail holders and a few liters of water and suck it up like a big girl.

So, those are my rules for drinking. I’m sure I could write more, but I’m bored of typing and my ADDness is forcing me to click on interesting links on the other tab, which consequently is causing many, many pop-ups.


2 Responses to “My Public Service Announcement”

  1. Hear, hear! And I would like to point out that I LIKE the cranberry hard lemonade, so any and all donations can be sent to me.

  2. Rachel Says:

    🙂 I’ll set up a donation box for you.

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