Burning The Souffle

"A Woman Happily In Love, She Burns The Souffle"

Why Don’t We Just All Buy Chia Pets Instead? January 6, 2009

Filed under: crap people buy,the world around me — Rachel @ 2:23 am

I thought the point of commercials was to make you actually WANT to buy the shit they’re advertising, not the opposite.

Clearly, I was wrong, and my point was proven tonight.

On a commercial for a very popular “digestive” yogurt, two women are seen discussing the holidays. It went something like this*:

*Disclaimer: I am feeling very tired and very snarky at the moment, so maybe this isn’t what really happened at all. That’s not the point. This is what happened in my mind.

Woman 1: “Oh my whole family was in for the holidays. Look at my pictures of food.”

Woman 2: “Wow that looks like good food. Those kids are cute.”

Woman 1: “I ate a shit-load everyday. And now…I”m a little irregular.”

Woman 2: “You should eat this.”

Then a popular actress comes on and gives you some spiel about the yogurt, blah, blah, blah, commercial ends, and I’m back to my crime show that I watch while D is at work, because he says they’re depressing.

But back to our regularly scheduled commercial- wtf? Who goes around telling their friends “I’m a little irregular.”?

No one that wants to keep their friends, that’s for sure.

Here are my alternate ideas for this commercial…(None of which have to do with yogurt.)

1. ” My whole family was in for the holidays…….and now I’m mixing crack in the bathroom!”

2. “My whole family was in for the holidays….and now they’re all buried in the backyard!”

3. “My whole family was in for the holidays…. and it was so awkward because ever since Uncle Bob had that surgery to become Aunt Barbara, no one knows how to act around him.”

Those are INFINITELY better than telling someone, “I’m a little irregular.”

Commercial number two was for some kind of health insurance thing that I honestly can’t remember the name of or most of the people in the commercial, except for this one chick.

Chick: ” I just want to be able to see my personal doctor once a year.” This was said with one of those “if you-know-what-I-mean” looks.

This was irritating on many levels.

First of all, I probably wouldn’t have even thought twice about the commercial if she had just said “I want to be able to see my gynecologist once a year.”

Really lady, we all know that you are talking about the vagina  doctor, so just come out and say it.  You’ll feel much better.

(Which if you haven’t been reading long, please see one of my previous posts as to why it is really, really, really important to see the ob/gyn once a year. Really. If you haven’t been in awhile, call for an appointment immediately. Go. Stop reading this and do it!)

I hate commercials that are all coy about whatever they are trying to sell. If you want to sell pills that give you an erection (but not one that lasts for more than 4 hours) then jeez, just sell the pills. You can say “erection” and “penis” in the commercial. You don’t have to show us images of  rockets blasting off or fireworks exploding.

My very favorite commercial though, has to be the chia pet commercial.


Because it makes me want one, every single time. If I were in a store and that commercial were being played, I would fill my cart to the brim with chia pets.  Everytime D and I see that commercial, I always say “I really want one of those. Let’s go to the store! What do you mean ‘Not right now?’ I need it. It’s calling my name.”

So you should just ignore all other commercials, and buy like 50 chia pets instead. I want to make sure these people stay in business.


2 Responses to “Why Don’t We Just All Buy Chia Pets Instead?”

  1. boik Says:

    Know what bugs me about that dippy broad who wants to see her “personal” doctor? Why the hell do you need health insurance if you’re only planning to see the doc once a year? She’s so fit she received a 50 percent discount “just for being healthy.” Dope doesn’t realize a doctor’s visit is around 100 bucks.

  2. Rachel Says:

    For reals boik…what kind of mega-ditz doesn’t realize that she’s probably paying upwards of 1,000 a year just to save a few bucks on a Dr. visit?

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