Burning The Souffle

"A Woman Happily In Love, She Burns The Souffle"

Spin Cycle: Guilt January 7, 2009

Filed under: spin cycle,the internets is cheaper than therapy — Rachel @ 9:25 pm

This spin cycle from Sprite\’s Keeper is about guilt. I happen to have several things that I’ve felt guilty about for awhile.

Are you ready to hear them?

Good, get out some tissues, because this might get a little weepy.

When I was in Kindergarten, I had a best friend. My first best friend. We played together all the time. We would go to each other’s houses and have more fun than I think most people ever get to have.

My best friend was a boy. We thought nothing of this at the time, why shouldn’t boys and girls play together?  We liked each other very much and had lots in common. Our parents also liked each other too, so everyone had a nice time when we got together.

Time passed, and suddenly it wasn’t so ok for girls and boys to play together. We didn’t play with each other so much anymore. In third grade we got to be in the same class again. That was nice.  He tried to give me a necklace he got out of a machine. I didn’t take it, because I was embarassed. And now,  many years later, I can’t for the life of me figure out why. I guess I didn’t want him to like me that way. I just wanted a friend.

More time passed, and I moved away. I made new friends, but really none as good and true as he had been.  It doesn’t take long to forget someone when you’re that age, and while I never forgot him, I am ashamed to admit that I never wrote or called.

Until one day, when my mom got a phone call from his mother. Could we come to his birthday party? A very special birthday party?  Why was this birthday so special, you ask?

Because he had brain cancer, and it might be the last birthday he ever had.

We went. I was nice, but I tried to act more grown-up than I really was.  I was aloof. I wish now that I had hugged him as tight as I could.  I wish I had had the courage to voice that this was hard for me, because until then, I had never truly believed that kids got so sick they might die. I had seen it on tv, even heard about it happening in my family years before I was born, but I had never seen it in person.

A little time passed, and we got another phone call. He was having seizures, and this might not be bad, it might mean that the tumors were getting smaller.  I really hoped they would. I wish that I had told him that I hoped they would go away.

A little more time passed, and we got another phone call.  He had died.

I cried, but I didn’t let anyone see.

My mom tried to get me to go to his funeral. I wouldn’t go. I couldn’t tell how this scared me, how it really made me feel. My mom went.  I really wish now that I had gone.

So now, I want to tell him that I’m so sorry. I’m sorry that I wasn’t half the friend to him that he was to me. I’m sorry that I didn’t call, or write, or even really say goodbye.   I hope that he knows that I still care, that there aren’t many days that go by when I don’t think of him. I hope that he is having a blast in Heaven. I hope that maybe, just maybe, he knows how I really feel, and I hope that he can forgive me for being a stupid 12 year old girl. Because I am sorry, and I don’t know if I can ever not feel guilty about the way I acted.

I hope he knows how glad I am that he was my first best friend.

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9 Responses to “Spin Cycle: Guilt”

  1. You’re right. Tissues needed. My heart is breaking for you. But also, I completely forgive you. Kids and teens are just inherently selfish, saving face is almost as important as life itself. You were young, too young to face mortality. I’m just glad you had the early years and an amazing memory of your first best friend. Keep those thoughts close to you since he obviously did. You’re linked and forgiven, and thank you for sharing this.

  2. sara Says:

    I agree with Sprite’s Keeper. What you felt was just part of growing up and handling things as a kid. Unless you’re like, Dakota Fanning in some movie, most kids don’t have the emotional maturity to really see past themselves at any given moment and see what other people need from them. You know?

    This story made me wanna give you a hug. But thanks for sharing it.

  3. Rachel Says:

    Thank you Sprite’s Keeper and Sara for your encouraging words. You are both right-kids are hopelessly selfish, and that’s ok, because they are kids. Sprite’s Keeper, thanks for presenting the opportunity for me to write this. I had been wanting to write a post about him, but it just seemed like I couldn’t quite decide how to start it off. “Guilt” just seemed to describe a lingering feeling that I still had about this friend. I think writing this and getting it off my chest makes it easier to not associate guilt with him, and for that I am grateful.
    p.s.-Sara-Thanks for the hug.

  4. phhhst Says:

    What a beautiful post and tribute to your friend. A brave post. Thank-you for sharing this. It did, indeed, bring tears to my eyes.

  5. Rachel Says:

    Thank you phhhst! It was a hard post to write, but I’m glad I did. I’m thinking on another post about him, another post that isn’t quite so sad.

  6. AZ Mom Says:

    such a tender story. and because you have shared, you most assuredly are forgiven. forever and ever. because after all, that’s what best friends are the best at giving one another: absolution.

    hugging you….

  7. Rachel Says:

    Thanks AZ Mom, I was so happy that people seemed to feel this was an adequate tribute for my first best friend.

  8. Ivy Says:

    aww i love you friend

  9. Rachel Says:

    awww thanks i love you too ivymoser


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