Burning The Souffle

"A Woman Happily In Love, She Burns The Souffle"

I Don’t Think I Got My Money’s Worth…. June 27, 2009

What would YOU do if you suspected someone was talking about your, um decolletage, IN FRONT OF YOU?

I shall set the scene for you.

D and I attended a party recently, and a woman was there that I do not particularly care for. I am always nice and civil to her when I actually see her (which is truly not often) but she does not seem to like me. It’s fine, I don’t like everyone, everyone is not going to like me, I really don’t care. I’m not sure why she doesn’t like me, but I don’t like her either, so we are even.

Well anyway, she was seated near us, WHISPERING to her friend/acquaintance/whoever the hell they were and looking at me.
Lady, you were like 3 FREAKING feet away! Not cool! It was fairly noisy in there so I couldn’t hear everything, and to be honest, I can’t even know for sure she was talking about me. Let’s just go with the assumption that she was, mkay?

I’ll not go into everything overheard, let’s just say the words “Oh my gah, how big and fake” were mentioned.
Well, I could have about just peed my pants laughing. Lady, you crack me up. My ladies may not be small, but I guarantee you they would have been a hell of a lot bigger if I had paid for them. I would have paid extra to get the ones that don’t require the support of an industrial strength sports bra so that exercising wouldn’t be such a pain in the ass. (overshare coming, watch out) I also would have gotten the stretch mark free version.  (Ok, stretch marks only visible to me, but still there.)  Trust me, if I paid for them, I would let you know. I would have them jacked up to my chin level at all times.  I would have showed up to the party in a frigging bikini top. I would wear a shirt that said “I Heart My Big Fake Boobs”.

Seriously lady, where do you think I would have gotten the money for this? I am in college.  Which is probably the reason for the size of the ladies anyway. Let’s just say the “freshman 15 30″ went straight to that area. Woo hoo!  So my “boob job” is not the result of silicone, but the result of eating snickers bars during all night study sessions.  I don’t recommend this method  because you can’t really control the flow of fat.  Sure, I ended up with the girls, but I also got a big butt and hips to match.

So Miss Party-Whispering-Lady, you should not talk about people in front of them, especially if you are not a quiet whisperer. Oh, and I heard what you said to that one lady’s husband.

Mind your manners lady.

 

Please Explain April 21, 2009

Filed under: crap people buy — Rachel @ 10:03 pm

Now it’s time for a rant social commentary here at Burning The Souffle.

We at Burning The Souffle, Inc. try our damndest never to offend anyone, but golly gee, there are just sometimes when you feel a good old fashioned get-up-on-your-soapbox sermon coming on.

This is one of those times.

First, let me preface by saying that, as a very liberal-minded individual, there are not a whole lot of things that shock, offend, or even rattle me.  Seriously. I am very much a “it’s your life, live it the way you want to” kind of person. Want to dye your hair strange colors? Go right ahead. Pierce every square inch of skin? Cool.  Tattoos? Why not?

I say that first, so you will know that I am not Miss Holier-Than-Thou, no not by any means.

Onto the issue:

When did it become ok for little girls to start dressing like hoochie mamas?

Seriously…I do NOT think it is ok for little girls to wear sweatpants with ANYTHING printed on the butt. Seriously? Ick.  I see so many little girls in t-shirts everyday that range from the mildly offensive to the flat out suggestive. Ick.  (Ex: Your Boyfriend is About to Become My Next Assignment. Ah yes, teach our girls to turn into boyfriend stealing hussies. Good one.)

When did this become ok? Why do we seem to be in such a hurry for our little girls to grow up? Why do 9 year olds need highlights in their hair?  Why would you buy your kids sweatpants with “sweet” written across the butt? It’s tasteless, tacky, and unfair to our kids.

Kids have a right to be kids, they don’t need to be made into mini-adults.

 

I Really, Really, Really HATE Spam February 24, 2009

Filed under: crap people buy,nerdiness — Rachel @ 9:29 am

So, I’ve been getting a lot of spam in my email here lately.

What pisses me off?

The spam is coming to my university email, which just hits a little too close to home.

The kicker?

I got one spam today that addressed me BY NAME offering me a “job” filling out online surveys and participating in “focus groups”.

Now obviously, I know this is a hoax (not something I’d be interested in anyway, but googled it and found several references to the spam factor, not the legit factor), but I have gotten several weird emails over the course of the last few weeks in this email account, and it just kind of pisses me off.

Why?

Because this is the email that I use for conducting all my professional(esque) stuff. Contacting professors, ordering online, and more of my personal keeping in touch stuff. I have a few other emails, but this is my main one.

It isn’t the fact that I’m getting the spams so much as the fact that they’re making it to the inbox. 2 of my other emails just automatically send that crap to the trash.

So hey, university people, improve your spam blockers! I know I’m not the only person with this problem, several of my friends have gotten this crap too. What worries me is that someone will get the “job” offer and respond, thinking that it’s legit, and end up paying money to this hack for a “job”.

 

Why Don’t We Just All Buy Chia Pets Instead? January 6, 2009

Filed under: crap people buy,the world around me — Rachel @ 2:23 am

I thought the point of commercials was to make you actually WANT to buy the shit they’re advertising, not the opposite.

Clearly, I was wrong, and my point was proven tonight.

On a commercial for a very popular “digestive” yogurt, two women are seen discussing the holidays. It went something like this*:

*Disclaimer: I am feeling very tired and very snarky at the moment, so maybe this isn’t what really happened at all. That’s not the point. This is what happened in my mind.

Woman 1: “Oh my whole family was in for the holidays. Look at my pictures of food.”

Woman 2: “Wow that looks like good food. Those kids are cute.”

Woman 1: “I ate a shit-load everyday. And now…I”m a little irregular.”

Woman 2: “You should eat this.”

Then a popular actress comes on and gives you some spiel about the yogurt, blah, blah, blah, commercial ends, and I’m back to my crime show that I watch while D is at work, because he says they’re depressing.

But back to our regularly scheduled commercial- wtf? Who goes around telling their friends “I’m a little irregular.”?

No one that wants to keep their friends, that’s for sure.

Here are my alternate ideas for this commercial…(None of which have to do with yogurt.)

1. ” My whole family was in for the holidays…….and now I’m mixing crack in the bathroom!”

2. “My whole family was in for the holidays….and now they’re all buried in the backyard!”

3. “My whole family was in for the holidays…. and it was so awkward because ever since Uncle Bob had that surgery to become Aunt Barbara, no one knows how to act around him.”

Those are INFINITELY better than telling someone, “I’m a little irregular.”

Commercial number two was for some kind of health insurance thing that I honestly can’t remember the name of or most of the people in the commercial, except for this one chick.

Chick: ” I just want to be able to see my personal doctor once a year.” This was said with one of those “if you-know-what-I-mean” looks.

This was irritating on many levels.

First of all, I probably wouldn’t have even thought twice about the commercial if she had just said “I want to be able to see my gynecologist once a year.”

Really lady, we all know that you are talking about the vagina  doctor, so just come out and say it.  You’ll feel much better.

(Which if you haven’t been reading long, please see one of my previous posts as to why it is really, really, really important to see the ob/gyn once a year. Really. If you haven’t been in awhile, call for an appointment immediately. Go. Stop reading this and do it!)

I hate commercials that are all coy about whatever they are trying to sell. If you want to sell pills that give you an erection (but not one that lasts for more than 4 hours) then jeez, just sell the pills. You can say “erection” and “penis” in the commercial. You don’t have to show us images of  rockets blasting off or fireworks exploding.

My very favorite commercial though, has to be the chia pet commercial.

Why?

Because it makes me want one, every single time. If I were in a store and that commercial were being played, I would fill my cart to the brim with chia pets.  Everytime D and I see that commercial, I always say “I really want one of those. Let’s go to the store! What do you mean ‘Not right now?’ I need it. It’s calling my name.”

So you should just ignore all other commercials, and buy like 50 chia pets instead. I want to make sure these people stay in business.

 

Black Friday November 28, 2008

I love shopping. However, I do not love shopping on black Friday, so I do not go. I know I could save money and blah, blah, blah, but I really don’t care to get up at 3:00 in the morning to fight the crowds over a pair of pajama pants or a cordless drill.

So I am sitting at home, in my pink pajamas printed with sheep, relaxing. I might do some online shopping, but that will be all.

Don’t get me wrong, I like saving money, but I also like saving my sanity. I don’t think I’d be a happy camper if I’d gotten up and driven to the outlets this morning.

As it is, I’m still fairly sleepy, D and I stayed up way late last night watching “Christmas Vacation”. That and “A Christmas Story” are my favorite Holiday movies.

What are some of your favorite holiday movies? Do you go shopping on Black Friday?

 

Ew. September 6, 2008

Filed under: crap people buy — Rachel @ 12:32 am

Why do teenage boys think that axe body spray smells so good?

And, even more mysteriously, why do teenage girls think it smells good?

Personally, I think that crap smells like air freshner for your car, but hey I am not a teenager, so what do I know?

Confession: When I WAS a teenage teenyboppin hi! school girl, I did think that shit smelled good. I thought that it made guys smell “sexy”.

Then I hit 20, and now I think that the stuff REEKS.

Actually, I think when I started college is when I thought the stuff reeked. So let’s say everyone under the age of 18 thinks it smells good.

Now, it’s not like I am hanging around any teenage boys (because that would make me, i don’t know, a pedophile) but I can’t help but smell it when I’m walking through a grocery store or something.

These guys have to be using like half a can a day to get that kind of intensity. My 17 year old sister says it smells good if you don’t use too much, but then again, she is 17.

But, it might work in my car.

 

Seriously? August 20, 2008

Filed under: crap people buy,Uncategorized — Rachel @ 9:44 am

I was browsing through one of my mom’s magazines this morning, when I came upon an ad for these things-.mmdolls

My first thought was “Who buys this crap?”

This is a $30, 6 inch, “collectible” doll. The magazine ad scolds that “These dolls are not toys; they are fine collectibles to be enjoyed by adult collectors.”

What the hell?

Now please, if you collect these things, don’t get all mad at me, I just really don’t get it.

Why would people spend $30 a pop on a doll that is only 6 inches long?

And why do they think that the M&M’s onesies make them so cute?

I mean, I like babies and M&Ms, but if I had a baby, I wouldn’t be running out to buy it an M&M’s onesie. I mean, I guess they are kind of cute, but what do you DO with them, besides look?

My criteria for dolls when I was little (this will be used again if I ever have a daughter) was that the doll needed to look life-like and be able to be dressed in real baby clothes. I had a Lee Middleton doll-Cute Dolls

I loved that doll-I still do. I still have her. I would say that she was my favorite childhood toy. Yes, she was very expensive for a doll. But she felt like a real baby, and I could dress her in all kinds of different outfits( she wore preemie baby clothes, and real bottles and pacifiers would fit in her mouth)-I carried her everywhere, I played with her everyday. She is no worse for the wear. I know she was worth the money, because she didn’t just sit on a shelf somewhere.

I just don’t understand the whole “sit in a box on a shelf” thing. Nearly every time I got a Barbie as a kid, some well meaning relative would say “Oh, don’t take her out of the box, she’ll be worth something someday.” My mom and I were firmly not in this camp, and every Barbie was promptly torn out of the box, dragged around, and played with. Oh sure, I gave some of them ink pen eyeliner and terrible hair cuts, but I loved playing with them.

The memories I have from playing with my toys are worth far more to me than whatever I could have sold them for. Even if they were worth a billion dollars, I wouldn’t change a thing.