Burning The Souffle

"A Woman Happily In Love, She Burns The Souffle"

Cold, Wet, and MUDDY. July 20, 2009

Filed under: life is flippin suh-weet,well shit — Rachel @ 11:04 am

Last Saturday, D and I decided to take our kayaks to the really popular kayaking spot around here, about an hour away. We had never been to this particular spot before, but we found it without that much trouble.

Well, sort of.

We got to the spot fine, but apparently put our kayaks in at the wrong spot. After paddling 1/2 mile or so upstream, we decided that it was an exercise in futility, and turned around to take the boats back to the right spot.

So, we get to the right spot, shove the boats down the ramp, and go to get into them.

This would have been perfect, had I not fallen into the river at this point.


Fully clothed.

Yep, I am the uber-klutz.

Finally, I managed to get into my kayak after lots of swearing and manuevering, and down the river I went.

It was awesome, totally worth it even if I did have to paddle 5+ miles in a wet t-shirt and denim shorts.  This actually wasn’t that bad until the last mile or so when it started to get dark and rapidly cool off, and the 1/2 mile trek back to the car. (Can’t honestly say that I was all that keen on walking in the dark with wet and muddy tennis shoes.)

I am not sure if the skin around my hips will ever be the same (wet denim begins to chafe after awhile, dontcha know?) but that’s what I get for not wearing a rash guard.

Oh well, all’s well that ends well.

How was your weekend?


Yikes. July 16, 2009

Today, I decided to take a semi-short (not shorter in distance, but at least you don’t have to hit all the traffic lights in town)  cut through a highly populated subdivision near us.  I do this quite a bit, it is a busy road through this neighborhood.  It is a pretty packed place, the houses don’t have much lawn at all, and it is popular with people who don’t want to do a lot of yard work.

Anyway, I was driving through, and I saw 2 little boys playing in some sort of pushcar thing on the sidewalk.

By themselves.

It really unnerved me, they didn’t look older than 5 or 6, and I could see no adult in sight. They WERE in front of a house with the front door (barely)  cracked, but again, no grown-ups in sight. And yes, they WERE on the sidewalk, but this is a BUSY street.  I cannot pass total judgement, because for all I know there was a grown-up who was outside mowing the lawn or something, but again, I did not see anyone. The speed limit is pretty low through there, but that doesn’t mean that someone won’t speed.

I am not trying to judge their parents.  I am not a parent, but my goodness do I know what it is like to be responsible for someone.  I really do get it.  Last summer, I was the sole caregiver in the toddler room…with FIVE toddlers…all under the age of two. For several hours. Everyday. I get that every minute can be “look at me, look at me, look at me” or “I need this, or that”. I get that it can wear on you.  I know, these boys were older than toddlers, so how about my fourth grade class? Fourth graders can barely be trusted to go to the out of sight bathroom without causing mischief …(Don’t believe me?  How about the time that 2 kids decided to “chug” milk at breakfast and then, not surprisingly, puked it all up all over the bathroom…and then neglected to tell anyone. Yeah.)  I get that parents (or anyone exposed to small children for a long period of time, haha) need a little  break.  If the kids had been in the backyard with no adult, I would have thought nothing of it (ok, I am paranoid, I might have, but I would have assumed that someone could see them out of a window). If I had seen 2 little boys sitting on the bench outside the women’s bathroom at Dillard’s, I would have thought nothing of it .  But 2 little boys playing alone (albeit, on a sidewalk) right next to a VERY  busy street? Yeah, I thought something of it.

Maybe I am overreacting. Don’t get me wrong, I am all for kids playing outside, even alone. I just want them to do it in an area where they can be safe.

And to me, alone next to a busy street, is not safe when you are five.


I Need To Write My Own Prescription June 29, 2009

Filed under: the world around me,well shit — Rachel @ 1:54 pm

I went to the doctor today for what I think is some sort of spider bite.

The doctor agreed,  saying that there was no way to know for sure what got ahold of me, but some sort of creepy crawly. (Creepy-crawlies are rampant in Tennessee, home to 2 kinds of poisonous spiders (black widows and brown recluses), four kinds of poisonous snakes (including a type of rattlesnake), bees, wasps, hornets,  two kinds of scorpions, fireants, stinging caterpillars, and conenose beetles. Want to come visit me?)

Don’t get me wrong, I am greatful for the antibiotic prescription for the bite (which he said was getting infected) but it is slightly irritating to me that I had to pay a $25 co-pay and then be examined for approximately 45 seconds to be told that it indeed was some sort of insect bite (or sting, he said it could have been a sting, but I don’t remember being stung recently), and that I needed to take some antibiotics and allergy medicine, along with putting neosporin on it.

I mean, I already had been taking benadryl. I already put neosporin on it.  All I needed was the prescription.  (And ok, having the doctor look at it got my mom off my back about it, she was worried about it.)

So, I have arrived at the conclusion that I just need my own prescription pad…..and a medical degree to know which prescriptions to write.


I Don’t Think I Got My Money’s Worth…. June 27, 2009

What would YOU do if you suspected someone was talking about your, um decolletage, IN FRONT OF YOU?

I shall set the scene for you.

D and I attended a party recently, and a woman was there that I do not particularly care for. I am always nice and civil to her when I actually see her (which is truly not often) but she does not seem to like me. It’s fine, I don’t like everyone, everyone is not going to like me, I really don’t care. I’m not sure why she doesn’t like me, but I don’t like her either, so we are even.

Well anyway, she was seated near us, WHISPERING to her friend/acquaintance/whoever the hell they were and looking at me.
Lady, you were like 3 FREAKING feet away! Not cool! It was fairly noisy in there so I couldn’t hear everything, and to be honest, I can’t even know for sure she was talking about me. Let’s just go with the assumption that she was, mkay?

I’ll not go into everything overheard, let’s just say the words “Oh my gah, how big and fake” were mentioned.
Well, I could have about just peed my pants laughing. Lady, you crack me up. My ladies may not be small, but I guarantee you they would have been a hell of a lot bigger if I had paid for them. I would have paid extra to get the ones that don’t require the support of an industrial strength sports bra so that exercising wouldn’t be such a pain in the ass. (overshare coming, watch out) I also would have gotten the stretch mark free version.  (Ok, stretch marks only visible to me, but still there.)  Trust me, if I paid for them, I would let you know. I would have them jacked up to my chin level at all times.  I would have showed up to the party in a frigging bikini top. I would wear a shirt that said “I Heart My Big Fake Boobs”.

Seriously lady, where do you think I would have gotten the money for this? I am in college.  Which is probably the reason for the size of the ladies anyway. Let’s just say the “freshman 15 30″ went straight to that area. Woo hoo!  So my “boob job” is not the result of silicone, but the result of eating snickers bars during all night study sessions.  I don’t recommend this method  because you can’t really control the flow of fat.  Sure, I ended up with the girls, but I also got a big butt and hips to match.

So Miss Party-Whispering-Lady, you should not talk about people in front of them, especially if you are not a quiet whisperer. Oh, and I heard what you said to that one lady’s husband.

Mind your manners lady.


Then What Is The Point? June 25, 2009

Filed under: the world around me,well shit — Rachel @ 1:17 pm

Ok, so I am attempting to make a dermatologist’s appointment, nothing major, but something I would rather have addressed sooner than later. So, I do what most reasonable people in need of an appointment do: I call them on the telephone, which I foolishly believed was customary in this neck of the woods.

Here is how the conversation follows:


Me: “Hello. I would like to make an appoinment to be seen. I-”


Me: “Oh. Ok. Tha-”

Derm’s Office: Click.

Forgive me, but I don’t get the whole answering service thing. I think if they are going to pick up the phone, then they should be able to schedule an appointment or two. Ya know, just for shits and giggles?

Fast forward to scene two, in which I decide to call my ob/gyn’s office for an appointment. You know, just because no one has scraped my cervix with a spatula in awhile, and it’s feeling a little lonely.



Me: giggle-snort laughing, can’t manage to mutter more than a “uh-huh”

Ob/Gyn’s Office: Retaliates by putting me on hold for SEVEN MINUTES.

Not to be a bother, but uh, if a baby was about to come shooting out my cooch, this would have been enough wait-time  to cause alarm.   Luckily, no such baby shall be sliding down that chute today, so I didn’t really care all that much.  Plus I did laugh, so I’m sure I deserved some sort of punishment.

To be fair though, the phone was picked back up by a very nice young man, who I thankfully did not have to regale with any horror stories of my reproductive system. (Remember last summer and the cyst THAT WOULD NOT DIE? I really would have hated to have had to tell this nice polite man that I thought my ovary was about to pop off.)

Apparently both offices will be back in at one-thirty.  I predict I will forget and not call for another month.


Ahem. June 24, 2009

Filed under: well shit — Rachel @ 10:41 am

Dear Google Searchers:

It appears you find my blog by searching for “fire extinguisher up the bum” which unfortunately loosely corresponds to one of my previous blog titles “Can I Bum A Fire Extinguisher”.  Perhaps I should have written “Can I Borrow A Fire Extinguisher” so that you wouldn’t be so disappointed upon arriving here.  You see, I don’t put anything up my bum that doesn’t belong there….which is everything. My bum will remain a, shall we say, strictly one way exit.  But don’t worry, I don’t judge…if you find something else to read here that suits you, then stick around.


Can I bum a fire extinguisher? April 27, 2009

Filed under: well shit — Rachel @ 11:02 am

So, I am sick.

Pretty sick. And miserable. And gross.

I spent most of Saturday taking some of the tests for my teacher licensure, and then got to spend a few glorious hours fishing at the lake with D.  I sort of knew something was up when I started getting unnecessarily crabby about getting attacked by bugs after the sun went down, but figured that it was just due to not enough sleep/stressful tests.  In the car on the way back,  I decided to shut my eyes for a few minutes. Well, when I woke up, I had the WORST scratchy throat and my ears hurt. This is not totally out of the ordinary for me, as I do have allergies, so I just chalked the crappy feelings to a day outside without the aid of Allegra and not enough sleep.

Then I woke up yesterday.


After being awake for a few hours, I decided that I really did need to see a doctor and I was off to the local urgent care clinic, which, Praise the Lord, is open on Sundays.  After a few hours of waiting (not that I am complaining, I was just happy they were open, and I felt so shitty I didn’t care where I was) the Doc determined that I have a throat infection. So, back home for rest, fluids, and feeling like I was being burned alive. Seriously.

I’m not sure what germs have invaded my body, but really, if they could just leave, that would be grand.  I spent the whole afternoon/night yesterday feeling like my head was reeling.  So since it made me dizzy to sit up, stand, or even lie funny, I spent most of my time laying on the couch, feeling like I was on fire. Seriously.  I have never felt that hot in my life. My temp was pretty high, but luckily, it never got so high that I really felt like something was wrong. I’m still not convinced that I don’t have a touch of the flu, because I have been really achy.

Today, I feel better than yesterday, mainly because my throat is not quite so sore and my temp has gone down to the 99.5 range, which does not make me feel like I am being burned alive. I may have to send D out to the store for some tylenol in a bit, because I have already taken the max dose of ibuprofen, according to the bottle.  (Apparently you aren’t supposed to take more than 6 in 24 hours.  Had I read those instructions, I would not have taken 3 at one time.) I don’t usually take tylenol (just because I feel like ibuprofen has more of an effect on me) , so the only bottle of it that I could find expired like 2 years ago. Oops.   I should also probably eat something besides skim milk with ovaltine in it (which my WONDERFUL mom bought for me yesterday, thanks mom!) but I really don’t have an appetite at all.  I don’t know, it’s like I WANT to eat, but everytime I start to eat something (other than popsicles, skim milk with ovaltine, and sprite) it’s like my stomach just clams up and says “uh-uh, no way in hell, not right now”.   Which sucks, because I think part of the dizzy feeling is from plain old not eating.

I hate being sick.

If you know me in real life, STAY AWAY (except for poor D, who is not sick, but contaminated already) I would REALLY feel like shit if I gave this to anyone else.

Oh, did I mention that NO, I did NOT get sick when it was 18 degrees F outside here, but I DID get sick when it was sunny and 85?